


Case 00F234; Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric

by ElisiansBane



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, No Romance, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 12:42:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElisiansBane/pseuds/ElisiansBane
Summary: Ashley was so proud of herself! She got her shiny new case worker’s license and a nice job at the Central Department of Human Services. But on her first day, she gets a case that almost gets her killed.Case 00F234; Edward Elric and Alphonse ElricIf Fullmetal Alchemist had one responsible adult, the series wouldn’t have made it past episode 2.Warning; some cussing, calling Truth out on his BSI know that fans usually don't like OCs but please make an exception for this one as it does make an amusing point about our favorite equivalent exchange.





	Case 00F234; Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric

Ashley was so proud of herself! She got her shiny new case worker’s license and a nice job at the Central Department of Human Services. But on her first day, she gets a case that almost gets her killed.

Case 00F234; Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric 

If Fullmetal Alchemist had one responsible adult, the series wouldn’t have made it past episode 2.

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * * * 

made sure she was spick and span for her first day at work. New outfit, perfect hair, perfect makeup. All set!

She couldn’t stop the bouncy walk to the Central Department of Human Services. Four years of college and another two years for her master’s finally paid off and she could look forward to a career of helping disadvantaged children and war veterans.

She walked into her office with a big smile. She became a social worker in honor of her father who passed away due to health complications and lack of resources after his service in Ishval. At his funeral, she silently dedicated her life to connecting children and soldiers to the care and benefits they needed to live fruitful and healthy lives. She would not lose another life simply to lack of services.

After completing her paperwork in human resources, Ashley spent a few minutes decorating her desk with fake flowers and a couple photos of her family. Once everything was in order, she sat down and went through the first case dropped on her desk.

“Man, they really don’t waste time,” Ashley mumbled as she picked up the manila envelope. It was expected. Social Services was horribly overworked and burnout was common. She steeled herself, ready to read the horror story of a soldier or child being neglected or abused.

_ Case 00F234:  _

_ On May 24th 1904, Ms. Trisha Elric passed away from an unknown illness, locals in the area call it ‘Disney syndrome.’ She left behind her two sons, Edward and Alphonse Elric, without a chosen reliable care provider. Attempts to contact their father, Van Hohenheim, have proved unsuccessful. Mr. Hohenheim has failed to pay child support since 1899 and will be placed under arrest when he is apprehended. There is no evidence of financial support for either child. _

Ashley snorted in disgust. “Typical deadbeat father…” She continued to read.

_ Name: Edward Watson Elric _

_ Age: 12 _

_ Height: 122cm _

_ Weight: 60lbs _

_ Appearance: blond hair, hazel eyes, light-skinned _

_ Education: home-schooled (apparently) _

 

_ Name: Alphonse Jason Elric _

_ Age: 11 _

_ Height: 123cm _

_ Weight: 62lbs _

_ Appearance: Brown hair, brown eyes _

_ Education: home-schooled (apparently) _

 

_ Instructions: _

_ Send a case worker to 2003 Nowhere Road, Risembool in Risembool County to assess the situation and provide both boys with needed financial support and an approved care provider. _

“Alright,” Ashley sighed to herself. She checked the date. The case worker was scheduled to arrive at the Elric house by 4pm Wednesday. Today was Monday. She groaned and immediately went to fill out her reimbursement form and pick up her train tickets.

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Risembool was in the middle of absolute nowhere. A four hour train ride brought her to the station and ‘downtown.’ The only other buildings were a general store, an automail shop, a pharmacy that looked like it had not passed an inspection in years, and a farming equipment store. The rest were farms.

Ashley hadn’t stepped off the train and she was already bored out of her mind. “What person would willingly raise their children here?” There wasn't even a bookstore and she had yet to see anything that resembled a school. It was a stereotypical backcountry hodunk town. She was likely the only person in the town that didn't own a gun. She was determined to check on the kids and get out of here as soon as possible.

As suspected, the Elric residence was far away from ‘downtown’ Risembool. She had to find a generous farmer to give her a ride as she didn't feel like making the two-mile walk. By the time she arrived, it was already evening. Well past 4pm.

“I hope they’re still here…” she mumbled when she reached the front door. She gave three solid knocks. “Hello? This is Ashley Burgundy. I’m with the Central Department of Human Services. I’m here for the Elric brothers?”

No answer. She knocked and then introduced herself again, remaining as professional as possible. More silence. She placed her hand on the doorknob and it was unlocked. This wasn’t a good sign. 

Ashley had heard horror stories of abusive and dysfunctional parents running away to avoid fines and jail time. She really hoped that wasn't the case and her worry for these poor boys only increased as she carefully entered the dark hallway. 

“Hello? Anyone here?”

She heard a strange sound coming from down the hall. She rushed and found the door to the basement. She frowned in confusion when she heard something that sounded like a wind tunnel. Thinking it would be best to check, she opened the door and slowly went down the creaky old stairs and right into total chaos.

There were lightening bolts and gusts of wind that formed a small tornado in the center of the room. Ashley had to cover her eyes to block the intense blue light. She managed to open her eyes and gawked at the sight. She saw the silhouettes of two young boys kneeling over the most complicated transmutation circle she had ever seen right in the center of the lightning tornado. She heard a groaning noise and then a hysterical scream as one of the boys was being yanked into some kind of portal and the other one was on the floor covered in blood.

“What the fuck!” She screamed. Adrenaline rushing, she rushed over and fell to her knees at the injured boy’s side. She nearly gagged when she noticed that the boy was missing his left leg from the mid-thigh down and was ghost white from blood loss. Another scream caught her attention and she turned around to see the other boy clawing at the floor as tiny black hands tried to drag him into the portal.

“Alphonse!” The injured boy yelled desperately. He tried to crawl to save his brother but collapsed in pain. He needed a hospital now.

Swearing, Ashley ripped her scarf off and threw it at the injured boy. “Cover your leg and stop the bleeding! Use pressure!”

Ashley didn’t know if the boy heard her as she was now in a tug of war with the creepy black hands and the screaming child. She managed to get her shoe off and tried to beat the hands away, but it didn't work. She had to dig in her heels to keep the poor thing in the real world. She cursed when she tripped over what she could only describe as the ugliest twitching thing she had ever seen and was dragged into the hole with the poor boy clutching at her arms.

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * * * 

When her eyes finally adjusted to the blinding light, Ashley found herself in some kind of white void with a crying boy and a weird fancy gate behind her.

Ashley had to take moment before forming a coherent thought. She blankly looked between the child, the gate, and the white void. She had no idea where or what this was and could not think of a rational way to get herself and this child back to wherever they came from.

“Welcome.”

Ashley jumped with a screech and spun around to see some weird guy sitting on the ground with what could only be described as the world’s most punchable grin. It would’ve been the world’s most punchable face, but this psycho only had a mouth. She just stared at him until he spoke again.

“You are in the void, where those who seek Truth go when they play God,” the psycho explained. She didn’t like the smug tone of his multi-layered voice. It reminded her of an ex-boyfriend.

“Who was playing God?!” Ashley demanded. The psycho pointed at the little boy hiding behind her.

“He and his brother tried to bring back the dead. They must adhere to the laws of Equivalent Exchange. Thus, this one lost his body and the other lost his leg.”

Equivalent exchange. She knew of the philosophy practiced by alchemists. It was a black and white belief that in exchange for something, something of equal value must be given. Pretty straight forward, if not overly simplistic in her mind. The only time she ever saw it used was when alchemists wanted to sound more woke than they actually were. 

She decided to humor this...thing and ask it what it meant. Maybe she could buy some time and she can worry about the other kid, who must be in incredible pain and needed serious medical attention. “Are you referring to Equivalent Exchange? I’m not an alchemist so you must explain it to me.”

“Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy’s First Law of Equivalent Exchange.” Punchable explained. “The soul is priceless.Thus, the Elrics had no means to produce an equivalent offer.”

Ashley used to read think pieces in the newspapers about the validity of Equivalent Exchange. There was debate as to what constituted the value of something and how it could be determined. In practice, alchemy was the transformation of compounds into something else. Some scholars argued that this type of transmutation is not a sacrifice, i.e. equivalent exchange if one is just rearranging some compounds into something else.

Maybe she could use this to her advantage. 

She turned to the frightened boy. “Sweetpea?” She said in her most gentle voice. “Can you tell me what you were trying to do? And what’s your name?”

The boy sniffled and collected himself. “I’m...Alphonse. Brother and I were trying to bring our mother back from the dead. She’s all we had.”

That broke Ashley’s heart, which made her even more determined to get these boys away from this asshole. 

Ashley turned her attention back to Punchable. She thought for a long time, frowning at her vague knowledge of alchemy. A light bulb went off above her head. She had one tool at her disposal - ARGUING!

Ashley steeled herself into Serious Case Worker Mode, a mode reserved for particularly difficult clients and their disregard for basic public policy.

“That’s how it works?” Ashley asked. Punchable nodded, still grinning. Now confirmed, she made her first argument. “So if a human soul is priceless, then how is this boy here and his brother is missing his leg?”

“That is their sacrifice,” Punchable responded annoyedly.

“Okay, but if that’s their sacrifice, then the soul does have a price.” She argued. “If the soul was priceless then there was no reason to take one and rip the other’s leg off. It should’ve just gone ‘poof’ and nothing happen. Like how a maxed out credit card gets declined.”

“No, the soul is priceless. It cannot be exchanged for something earthly,” Punchable frowned.

“Then what is equal to a soul?” She continued, wracking her brain for that one philosophy class she took in college. “If the soul is priceless, then that means there’s a point of reference - a baseline. There are set values for certain things, so at what point does a soul become priceless?”

“I just said nothing is equal to a soul,” the thing repeated.

“But is has to be!” Ashley argued. “You took this boy and his brother’s leg because they tried to retrieve their mother’s soul. So a soul is worth a body plus one leg.”

“That...That’s not how it works!” The thing protested. It’s cheshire grin was now a stretched frown. “They tried to bring back their mother’s soul and create a human body!”

Ashley looked around as if the answer was floating in the endless whiteness. She kept her cool and tried to think of something fast. This might be grasping at straws, but it was all she could think of. “How much is a body worth?”

Punchable paused. “A body?”

“Yes, a body is a bunch of stuff put together. Isn’t it separate from a soul? You can have a body with no soul. That’s why dead people are buried.” She crossed her arms to make it look like she knew what she was talking about.

“O-k-a-a-a-ay?” Punchable drawled. She could tell he was getting really annoyed. She didn’t know if this thing was God or whatever, but he had a very clear set of rules, so she needed to figure out how to use those rules against him. He waited for her to continue.

Shoot. Ashley didn't think this far. She glanced down to see she still had her purse. She opened it and was relieved to see her notebook and a pen. She pulled them out and turned to Alphonse, who was now standing directly behind her with the biggest brown eyes she had ever seen and looking ridiculously cute. She resisted the urge to squeeze him into her boobs and bake him cookies. She could do that when they got back.

She cleared her throat and then turned to the little boy. “Baby doll? You were making a body right?”

Alphonse nodded. She scribbled his response on the notebook. “Can you tell me what a body is made of, sweetpea?”

Alphonse shuffled nervously. He looked up at Ashley and she gave him a comforting smile. After thinking for a bit, he finally replied. “Water - thirty-five liters; Carbon - twenty kilograms; Ammonia - four liters; Lime - one and a half kilograms; Phosphorous - eight-hundred grams; Salt - two hundred and fifty grams; Saltpeter - one hundred grams; Sulfur - eighty grams; Fluorine - seven and a half grams; Iron - five grams; Silicon - three grams, and fifteen traces of other elements.”

Alphonse rattled them off like they were tattooed inside his eyelids. Ashley kept her face neutral while she wrote down what was apparently the human body recipe, but inside she was aghast.

‘What parent allows their child access to saltpeter?!’ Ashley thought to herself. ‘That crap goes in fireworks and gunpowder! Silicon is for breast implants, and ammonia is downright toxic! Excuse me, but the label says ‘keep out of reach of children’ for a reason!’ She let out an irritated huff as she finished writing.

“Why do you want to know?” Punchable asked impatiently.

Ashley ignored him and kept her attention on Alphonse. “Okay, sweetpea. Where did you get that stuff and how much did you pay for it?”

“What does that have to do with anything!?” Punchable yelled.

She turned to him with an irritated sigh. “Sir, I am trying to assess the situation so I can get this child and his brother help. But if you keep interrupting, this will take longer.” She looked back at Alphonse. “How much, my dear?”

“Uuhh...I don’t really know,” Alphonse meekly replied. “Brother bought all of it from the general store. He didn't keep the receipt.”

“What idiot sells -” she stopped herself, now was not the time. “Try to remember, honey.”

“It was like - twenty bucks, I think?” Alphonse said after a pause.

“Alrighty…” Ashley fished her wallet out and pulled out a few bills. After counting, she handed Punchable twenty bucks.

Punchable just blankly stared at it. “What is this?”

“That’s money for a human body,” Ashley spoke as if it were obvious. “In exchange for this boy’s body, I’m paying you twenty cenz.”

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with twenty cenz!?” Punchable protested.

Ashley shrugged. “You can buy another human body.”

“I just told you that’s not how it works!” Punchable yelled.

“Yes it does!” She retorted. “You said a soul was priceless, but clearly there’s a price because you took a child’s body and another child’s leg! Thus, as a separate transaction between you and me, I’m offering twenty cenz in exchange for this boy’s body and his brother’s leg so we can go the hell home.”

“That’s not!-”

“I’m actually being generous,” Ashley said sternly. “From what I can tell, twenty cenz gets you the compounds needed to make an adult human body. This is a child’s body. You’re turning a profit.”

Punchable made a growling noise. Taking it as a sign that she had this idiot on the ropes, Ashley continued. “Let’s take a look at value. I’m not gonna teach you economics, because I’m sure such an all-knowing Truth wouldn’t need little old me to explain. Alright, so a gallon of milk is one cenz. The price is determined by the store owner on where and how he got the milk and the quality. The price of the milk also takes into consideration the time, labor, and profit, all of that equals one cenz per gallon of milk.  _ One cenz. _ This boy said that he paid twenty cenz for the ingredients of a human body.  A human body is worth twenty cenz.” 

She nudged the money further towards Punchable. “Here’s twenty cenz for the kid and because I don’t have time or patience to negotiate the price as it’s a child’s body, I’m taking the other kid’s leg too as part of the bargain.”

“You arrogant, impetuous little-”

“Honestly, I should be paying their mother, because she actually put in the work,” Ashley said dryly.

“I cannot believe you would actually think that!” Punchable lost his temper. He actually stood with his hands in tight fists at his sides. Though he still only came to just below Ashley’s chest. “This isn’t some simple purchase at store! This is the philosophy of life and the human experience. This is the validity of human existence and to prove that there is a form of being that goes beyond human understanding! And you’re equating that to a gallon of milk!?”

Ashley didn’t back down and matched his pitch. “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return! To obtain, something of equal value must be lost! That is Alchemy’s First Law of Equivalent Exchange, asshole!”

She jabbed her finger at Punchable and described her reasoning. “You took someone’s body and leg in exchange for a human transmutation, which included transmuting a body and a soul. It was decided that a woman’s body and soul were worth a kid’s body and leg. The raw ingredients for a human body is twenty cenz, a human body is thus twenty cenz, transmuting a human body is still twenty cenz, thus a human body is worth a body and a leg. Because these boys paid for the raw ingredients of a human body, you get twenty cenz. The value never changed.”

She stood over the much shorter Punchable Truth. “By your own rules, this boy’s body and his brother’s leg are twenty cenz. Here’s twenty cenz. Can we go home now?”

Punchable just sputtered, he tried to form one sentence before cutting himself off and trying to form another one to no avail.

Ashley was so done and over with this! She squatted down to look this dipshit in where she assumed his eyes were. “I just thought of something. Equivalent exchange implies that both parties must come to a mutual agreement to the value of what’s being exchanged. Mutual agreement requires mutual consent. This requires a maturity and nuance that two children wouldn’t understand. You knowingly took advantage of two children's’ ignorance of this philosophy and its rules just to be an asshole. You did not receive their consent, because they are incapable of giving mutual consent due to their immaturity and ignorance. That’s child exploitation and manipulation. I’m being super generous by not reporting you to the authorities.”

Punchable was speechless. If he had eyes, they would be wide as dinner plates and twitching. Ashley kept herself from smirking triumphantly. “You want me to throw in attempted murder? I can do that too, if you keep wasting everyone’s time.”

“You can’t have me arrested!” Punchable protested adamantly. Ashley felt a rattle in the void but remained strong. “What makes you think I can be arrested?!”

“Won’t stop me from trying,” Ashley said with a shrug. “I am a caseworker for the Central Department of Human Services. I vowed to protect those who can't protect themselves. I am protecting these boys.” She cocked her hip to the side and crossed her arms in a position inspired by her mother when her father really dropped the ball. She yanked out another five cenz.

“In exchange for twenty-five cenz, you will give this boy’s body back, his brother’s leg back, and let us go through the portal thing and back to our world.”

“I cannot believe you would think that would work! If I let you go, it’ll completely negate the entire idea of equivalent exchange! Human transmutation is forbidden! If you go back, then everyone will start doing it because they can bring back the dead with a gallon of milk!” Punchable screeched as his entire policy unwove itself right before his eyes.

“Not my problem…Now, may we go or do we have to review this topic again?”

“Oh. My. Me! FINE!” Punchable waved his hand and the huge gate opened to show a giant purple eye staring at them in confusion. “Anything! Just never let me see you again!”

“Sure, you get that for free,” Ashley grinned and dropped the money on the ground. She picked up a blank-faced Alphonse and put him on her hip as they walked through the gate. Another thought came to her. She turned to the exasperated Punchable Truth. “I expect to see the other boy’s leg attached with all his blood or I’ll find a way-”

“YESSSSS! Please just get the fuck out my face!”

“Thank you for your time, sir,” Ashley smiled smugly and took them home.

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Ashley stumbled into the basement, trying not to drop Alphonse. She fell anyway as Alphonse leapt from her arms and ran to his brother’s side. “Edward! Brother! Are you alright!?”

Ashley got up to see if Edward was still alive. To her relief, he appeared fine, though barely conscious and pale. His leg was back where it needed to be. She carefully knelt beside a crying Alphonse and checked Edward’s vitals. She was more relieved to find a pulse, steady breathing, and no sign of hypovolemic shock. Good, she didn't have to rip open that portal and give Punchable Truth a word.

“Edward Elric? Sweetpea?” She gently tapped Edward’s cheek to wake him.

“Don’t call me a pea…” Edward drawled as he returned to the world of the living.

“Okay, my dear,” Ashley said happily, moving to pick up Edward to carry him upstairs. “Let’s get you help, okay?”

Edward mumbled something, but still curled into her chest. He was adorable too, in a fiesty sort of way. She called out to Alphonse who obediently followed her upstairs.

As Ashley feared, the closest thing to a nearby hospital was that wanky pharmacy. Along the way, the boys brokenly told her about how their mother caught this tuberculosis-like illness and died due to lack of a qualified doctor. She had to fight the tears. Everyone in this town was an asshole for failing to actually look after these poor babies. She would fix that immediately.

Without much of a choice, Ashley got the pharmacist to get her some ibuprofen, multivitamins, and red meat. This should give her enough time to get the boys to the next town for some proper medical attention.

On their way to the train station, Ashley bought as much candy as possible for her sweetpeas. She also bought ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. Once everything cooled down, she’d take them to the zoo as Alphonse told her he loved animals and then bake them some delicious home-cooked cookies and whatever else they wanted. These babies had been through absolute hell so they deserved whatever they could get. They were so cute, she didn't think she could say no.

In that moment, Ashley swore she would find the Elric brothers a suitable foster home  _ not _ in Risembool and regularly check up on them to ensure a healthy recovery and a happy life for them.

* * * * * * * * * * * * RA * * * * * * * * * * *

Thank you for reading! I chuckled as I wrote this, so I hope it brought you chuckles as you read it.

Let’s take a moment to thank the social workers and case managers who work to bring the needed resources and help neglected and abused children find loving homes and live good, healthy, happy lives. 

Ashley is lovingly named after and based on a close friend, who is a social worker for Child Protection Services and is dedicated to what she does.

This oneshot was inspired by an interesting article written in 2016 by  Philo Skepsi called “Why Equivalent Exchange Doesn’t Work” that presents some interesting arguments against equivalent exchange. I recommend it.

This is supposed to be part one of a series called “If FMA Had One Responsible Adult.” A series inspired by discussions between myself and friends about how so much could’ve been prevented if there was one responsible, law-abiding adult in FMA.

Thanks for reading! EB 


End file.
